Not Me Monday: Pantyless In Church

No, NOT me, because I wouldn't do that... really! And neither would my youngest daughter, just to be a little defiant. She was definitely not fighting with me about wearing a dress one Sunday not long ago. Definitely NOT fighting to the point where I finally said (after struggling to get said dress over head and arms, buttoned up, and tied in back), "You stay dressed or else you'll have some time out." Well, my sweet Lexi would have absolutely not thrown her shoe at daddy's precious big screen, earning her that spot in time out she was hoping to avoid. And while in time out my 3 year old couldn't have actually outsmarted mom and taken off the only piece of clothing unseen, which would have made her slightly undressed and, in turn, winning the battle with mom.

I would not have been so busy trying to get the rest of the crew ready that I would have thought to stop and do a pantie check on the way out the door for church. So it would not have been till we were sitting in the very front row and after singing several songs that I would finally realize the child I was holding on my hip was not going commando under her dress. I did not actually have to whisper (very loudly to be heard over the singing), "Lexi, where are your panties!?!" and she did not reply very simply, "I took them off in my bedroom. (ha, I won!)" Ugh!!!

Now, before you go thinking we're stellar church goers, sitting in the front row, and all... don't! Because we weren't possibly in the very front row because it was AWANA's award Sunday and my youngest commando was about to get up on stage in front of the whole church to accept her Cubbie award. Nope, I definitely did not spend the rest of the service sweating that she would trip and go sprawling spread eagle on her way up, or that once up there with her group Miss Maggie would make them sit "criss cross applesauce".

And after all of this, you would have thought I'd be a little more thorough in my pre~departure checks. Purse? Check! Bibles? Check! Panties? Check! Nope, it wasn't the same little girl who told me as I was buckling her into her car seat just yesterday that she didn't have panties on. Again.

And since it's been awhile since I've 'fessed up, let me tell what else my little lovelies have NOT said or done over the past month or so.

Austin has not become quite aware of the female's upper anatomical features lately. No, my sweet innocent little boy did not ask me awhile back if I "have boobs this huge?" with hand gestures to emphasize his point. While I was momentarily left speachless (and trying desperately to think of something "cool" to say), he wouldn't have possibly shot back with, "you don't... I can't even see the bumps from them." (In a very matter~of~factly, hate~to~be~the~one~to~break~it~to~you~mom tone.)

Since I am not the model of female loveliness I would never have caught Austin peeking up the shirt of a female mannequin at kohl's the other nite. Apparently he needed to find out what a real woman looks like. This curiosity absolutely could not have come from his father (who, according to rumor, was NOT caught {24 years ago} passing around the JC Penney lingerie ad on the kindergarten playground. Nope! Not my husband!)

And Audrey, (you didn't think I could possibly get thru this without mentioning her, did you?:)Audrey has not been somewhat fascinated by the male anatomy as of late. (*Just a side note~ we do not go parading around naked in our house~ HONESTLY! Austin doesn't see me undressed and Tom is so private, well... I can't even remember the last time I saw him naked.) But apparently Audrey has her assumptions or maybe she caught a glimpse when Tom was using the bathroom. Who knows. But what I do know is that when Audrey gave Tom one of those huge dill pickles from the pickle barrel at Prime Cuts she did not tell him, "here's your pickle... it's as big as your wiener!"

And being the discreet, modest people we are, our dinner table convo the other nite did not turn into this:

Audrey~ I saw daddy's (well, you know! Do I really have to type it?)

me~ oh really? (the picture of perfect nonchalance)

Audrey~ yeah! And it was this chubby! (to emphasize, she holds up her hands in circle large enough to make an elephant jealous)

me~ (eyes get really BIG. Trying to remain casual as we finish up our conversation. Really, REALLY hoping this doesn't come up as a topic at preschool's show~and~share.)

So there you go, now that I've confessed about what my kids didn't do, I'm gonna get back to keeping private what should be private... until the next "not me Monday".